sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
