She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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