when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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