Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
