When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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