Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
