I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
