weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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