i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My pussy is not your playground.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
