its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
