oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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