she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
