Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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