i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
