Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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