I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
