I didn't shave. On purpose
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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