i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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