You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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