took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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