grandma shit on top of the toilet
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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