cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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