the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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