Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
We have so much sex to catch up on
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
