I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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