The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
