a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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