please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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