I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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