WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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