fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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