So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
