Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
