You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
