That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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