At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
