Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You're earring is so big in my mouth
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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