I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize