All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
