i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
my being single is dangerous.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
