She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
