My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
