i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
