I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
