Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
