so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
