I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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