I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
