U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
