He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
