Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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