Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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