so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize