She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
What a dumb baby whore.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
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